


Before I Die

by theinsandoutsofcastiel



Series: Before I Die [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-09
Updated: 2017-01-21
Packaged: 2018-05-12 17:53:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5675146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theinsandoutsofcastiel/pseuds/theinsandoutsofcastiel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hi Hun! I’ll love how well you write Cas! And I was wondering, if you were up to it, could you try writing a Reader/Cas where he absorbed the souls of purgatory and went god mode, (season 6/7) but goes to the reader for help to send the souls back when he realised he was dying? Does that even make sense? Probably not! Just an idea though love! Anyway, have a good 2015!!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Warnings: Mentions of Cas’ impending death, fluff

Fic:

A knock sounds on your motel door. You expect to see Sam or Dean standing there when you open it, but it’s not. A weak and run down Castiel falls into your arms. “Cas,” you gasp as you catch him and keep him from falling.

“Y/N,” he says weakly. You shut the door and help him to the bed. You lay him down gently and move to sit by his side. Last time you’d seen him he had absorbed all the souls in purgatory and become a god, no not a god, the god. He had been so strong, so powerful. The Castiel laying before you now was weak, he was dying. You could tell from the look in his eyes that he knew he didn’t have much longer to live.

“Cas, what happened to you?” you ask as you take his hand in your own. Your other hand strokes over his stubble covered cheek and through his messy hair.

“I thought I was strong. I thought I could be the leader that heaven needed,“ Cas says, "I was stupid.”

“Cas, what can I do to help. Just tell me and I’ll do it,” you say. You can feel the tears welling in your eyes. You’d do anything for the angel; he was your friend, maybe even more than that, though nothing had ever happened between you.

“I don’t know how to fix this,” Cas says, “I’m honestly not even sure if there is a way to fix this.”

“Don’t say that Cas,” you choke out as the tears begin rolling down your face. He squeezes your hand gently.

“Don’t cry Y/N, I’m not worth crying over,” Cas tells you.

“How could you say that to me?” you ask, even more upset than you were before.

“Because it’s the truth,” he replies, “I’m not the person you think I am. I try to seem strong and sure of myself, but in reality, I’m frightened and weak. I didn’t even have the guts to tell you how I feel about you.”

“Castiel,” you whisper his name. The sad look he gives you breaks your heart.

“I love you Y/N,” he says, reaching up to stroke your cheek with his thumb, “I should have told you that long ago.” He wipes away your tears before his hand falls back down to the bed. “I had to tell you before I die,” he whispers.

“You can’t,” you tell him, “You can’t tell me you love me and then leave me, not like this.” New tears stream down your face, replacing the ones that Cas had wiped away. “I’ve loved you for so long Cas, you can’t leave me just when I’ve found out that you love me back,” your voice cracks.

“You love me?” Cas says with a weak smile.

“Yes, I always have,” you respond before leaning down to kiss him. His lips are soft but cold. You kiss him as gently as you possibly can and his lips easily give in to you. The salt from your tears mingles into the kiss, distorting it from what it should have been.

Every imagination of your first kiss with Cas had always been set in happy situations, this was anything but happy. “You have to fight this Cas,” you mumble against his lips, “We’ll tell Sam and Dean, the four of us will find a way to save you.” You move to lie against the headboard of the bed and pull Cas so that his head rests on your shoulder.

He looks up at you as you run your fingers through his hair and try to make him as comfortable as possible. “At least now I have something to live for,” he says with a weak smile.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After weeks of research, the reader and the Winchesters come across a way to cure Cas, but it comes with a high price.

Warnings: mentions of pain, small amount of low self esteem, reader sacrifices themself, death of reader

Fic:

You run your fingers through Cas’ hair and try to lull him to sleep. He gives you a weak half smile before he closes his eyes. Leaning down, you place a kiss on his forehead and whisper you love him before heading off to find the boys. “I love you Y/N,” he mumbles before you shut the door.

In the weeks since Cas had come to you for help, you had been working with the Winchesters to find a solution to Cas’ problem. So far, it seemed like there were no answers.

You knock on the Winchesters’ motel door and Dean lets you in. “Anything?” you ask. Dean shakes his head but Sam coughs to clear his throat.

“Well, we found one thing,” Sam begins, almost reluctantly, “but we don’t like it, and neither will you.”

“What is it?” you ask, encouraging Sam to continue.

“There is a way to get the souls out of Cas’ body…” Sam’s words trail off.

“But?” you press.

“But someone else has to take them,” Sam says.

“I’ll do it,” you say without missing a beat.

“Absolutely not,” Dean says from behind you, “See Sam, this is why I said not to say anything.”

“Why would you not tell me?” you ask, “We have a chance to save Cas and we’re going to take it. I’m doing this whether you like it or not.”

“Whoever takes the souls has to hold them. Cas is an angel, you see how strong he is and yet those souls are killing him. If you do this, you’ll die,” Dean says.

“Then I’ll die,” you respond, determined.

“Cas isn’t worth dying for,” Dean says, frustration invading his voice.

“Yes he is,” you respond, “I love him and I’m not going to stand around watching him die when I could be doing something.”

“This is the choice Cas made,” Dean begins shouting, “It’s not your job to fix his messes.”

“Dean,” you say, trying to calm him, “Cas made his choices and now I’m making mine. Cas is more important than I am.”

“Y/N, don’t say that,” Sam says. Dean just glares at you.

“It’s true, think about it,” you say, “Cas is an angel. He can help you in so many ways that I can’t. He can heal you, transport you across country in the blink of an eye, send you back in time, and like you said, he’s stronger than I am.”

“Don’t ever think that Cas is more important than you just because he can do things that you can’t,” Dean says.

“Either way, I’m doing this,” you say, “Sam, tell me what I need to do.”

“We don’t want you to do this Y/N,” Sam pleads.

“This is my choice and you’re not going to stop me Winchester,” you tell him, trying to sound as brave as you possibly can. Sam nods reluctantly before opening his laptop.

He points to the screen. “According to this, all you have to do is stand over him and say these words. The souls will be forced out of his body and move to the nearest living host, which will be you.”

“And what happens to them when I die?” you ask.

“Well, it sounds like they’ll be trapped in your body if you die before they find a way to escape. They’ll be sent back to purgatory if that happens,” Sam says quietly.

“So in other words, I should try to die fast,” you say, only half jokingly.

“Please don’t do this,” Sam says, “Think about what it’ll do to Cas. If he wakes up to find you dead, it’ll kill him just the same.”

“Cas is a celestial being,” you say, “he’s been alive since the beginning of time. He’ll find a way to get over me.”

Dean shakes his head as you move to the nightstand and grab a pen and pad of paper. You sit down next to Sam and scribble down the words you have to say. You tear the piece of paper off and fold it up before sliding it into your pocket.

“Well boys, I guess this is goodbye,” you say, trying to hide the fear from your voice.

“I wish you wouldn’t do this,” Sam says as he wraps his arms around you.

“I have to, before it’s too late,” you respond as you take comfort in having Sam’s arms wrapped around you.

Sam let’s go of you and you walk towards Dean. He instantly grabs you and holds you tight. “This is all Cas’ fault,” he whispers.

“Don’t be mad at him Dean,” you say, “Everyone makes mistakes. He’s going to need your help when this is over.” Dean’s arms tighten around you before he finally lets you go.

“Try not to miss me too much boys,” you say as you take one final look at the two of them. Neither of them responds. You quickly leave the room and shut the door behind you before they can make another plea against what you were about to do.

You pull the folded paper out of your pocket and smooth it out before opening the door to your motel room. Thankfully, Cas lies asleep on the bed. You weren’t looking forward to explaining what you were about to do. You move to stand by the bed. Your fingers trace along his cheek and through his hair, careful not to wake him. You take his hand and swallow hard before you begin to recite the words.

At first nothing happens. You stand in a silent room, waiting for something, anything to happen, but nothing does. You repeat the words twice more before it finally works. A bright light emanates from between Cas’ lips. Smoke slithers out into the air, twisting and swirling before it finally finds your lips and enters your body.

When the smoke finally clears, you see Cas’ eyes flutter open. “Y/N, what happened?” he asks.

“You’re going to be fine Cas,” you respond before a sharp pain rips through you and causes you to cry out and double over. Cas catches you and drags you into his lap.

“What did you do?” he asks.

“I saved you,” you say. A weak smile dances across your lips as you reach up to touch the side of his face. “I love you Cas,” you whisper as a tear rolls down your cheek. Cas’ arms wrap around you tightly and he rocks back and forth, tears streaming down his face.

“I love you Y/N,” he says, “Why did you do this? I’d rather die than lose you.”

“It’s ok Cas. The Winchesters need you and I couldn’t stand by and watch you die when there was something I could do to stop it,” you say through a haze that was coming over you.

“Please don’t leave me,” Cas says before he presses his lips to yours, “I don’t want to lose you.”

“I’m so sorry Cas, but this was the only way,” you mumble against his lips. Tears slip from his cheeks and fall to your face, mingling with your own tears.

“I love you Cas,” you whisper, “I always will.” Your eyes flutter shut. The last thing you see is Cas’ tear flooded blue eyes looking down at you.

“No!” you hear Cas shout as he pulls your limp body against his chest and holds you tightly. It’s almost as if he believes that if he holds you tightly enough, he’ll be able to keep you alive. He’s wrong. The only thing you feel is a cold hand dragging you away from your body as you slip into nothingness.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The reader has been stuck in Purgatory since their death; but when Cas shows up they may have a chance of escape.

Warnings: Mentions of torture, fighting

Fic:

This place you found yourself in, it wasn’t Heaven or Hell. It was somewhere in between, a cesspool of monsters tearing each other apart limb from limb. You had to fight to survive, if you could call this existence surviving. Everything here seemed to be after you, especially the monsters who had the misfortune of falling by your hand.

You’d been able to make yourself a weapon for protection, but you were on your last leg. Only God knew the last time you’d slept or ate, not that he cared anyway. You shouldn’t be here, you knew that, but if it was the consequence for saving Cas’ life, you’d pay the price.

“Finally,” a leviathan says as she finds you, “I’ve been looking all over for the reason I’m back in this torture chamber, and here you are.” You were exhausted and you knew you wouldn’t be able to fight back.

“Go ahead and kill me,” you demand defiantly.

“Kill you?” she asks, “Oh, no. I’ve been in that disgusting little head of yours and I know all of your deepest darkest fears. Torturing you is going to be all too easy and so much fun.”

“Do your worst,” you defy her. She grins as she lunges at you. Taking a step back, you move just out of reach before thrusting the stake you’d made at her. She hisses as the wood makes contact with the skin of her arm, drawing black blood.

“Let the games begin,” she says, raising an eyebrow before lunging again.

Try as you might, you can’t keep up with her attacks. You were exhausted and every wound she inflicts on you feels as if it could be the one to kill you. “Please,” you whisper as you lie beaten and battered on the ground.

“Please what?” the leviathan asks, looming over your body, “Let the pain end? I don’t think so, we’ve only just begun. What painful memory should I begin with? Oh, I think I know one!” You close your eyes tight, wishing and praying that this was all just a terrible dream and that you were just stuck in your own mind, back at the motel lying in Cas’ arms.

“Y/N, get up, we have to go, now,” Cas’ voice tells you.

“Castiel,” you whisper, a small, sad smile crossing your lips.

“Y/N, now!” he shouts. Hands grab your shoulders and shake you until your eyes open.

“Cas?” you ask, confused.

“It’s me, I’m here, but we have to go,” he tells you

“No, this is the leviathan playing with my mind,” you conclude, “You’re not here, you can’t be. I died to save you so that you wouldn’t end up in this place. You’re supposed to be alive, protecting Sam and Dean. This isn’t real. You’re not real!”

“Y/N, you have to trust me, I am right here,” Cas tells you as he takes your face between his hands, “I’ve been searching for you ever since the moment I lost you and now that I’ve found you, I won’t lose you again. Please, Y/N, we have to go.” You’re about to protest, but Cas stops you by capturing your lips.

“Cas?” you question, reluctantly breaking the kiss “How are you here?”

“I’ll tell you when we’re safe,” Cas responds, “Come on.” He pulls you up from the ground and begins guiding you. Looking down, you see the leviathan lying dead on the ground, thanks to Cas.

“Where are we going?” you ask him.

“There’s an escape hatch created by God,” Cas explains, “This plain wasn’t made for humans, so you’ll be able to escape.”

“What about you?” you ask him.

“My vessel is human,” Cas reasons, “I should be able to escape with you.” You hoped he was right. After giving your life to save him, he couldn’t give his to save yours; your sacrifice would be for naught.

The fog in this place seems to stick to you, making it impossible to see where you’re going. Cas seems to have no problem. He easily guides you through the overcast, fending off any monster who tries to harm you.

“We’re almost there,” Cas tells you, “There, see?” A swirling light appears up on a hill. Cas pulls at your hand, guiding you towards the portal as quickly as he can. You expect Cas to walk through the portal and pull you through behind him, but instead he pulls you to him and kisses you deeply. “I love you,” Cas says before he pushes you through the portal.

“Castiel!” you scream as you lose your hold on Cas’ hand, the light of the portal swallowing you.


End file.
